Friday, April 25, 2008

Catching them Mat-handed

I understand forgiving and forgetting is important when you’ve been wronged, I really do. Forgetting is made more difficult when I am forced to remember having been wronged every time I enter my own home, as the absence of something to wipe my shoes off on triggers my memory so well.

Our front door mat has been stolen. Twice.

The likelihood, to me, of two separate loons having had the same (dim) idea within weeks of each other, is so very close to none, that it is best friends with it. This leads me to believe that the very same dirty mat-thief has twice visited our doorstep, and left with the goods.

Picturing some half-wit sneaking up our steps and taking our doormat while I slept a metre away (through a wall), got me more worked up. Because both times, I noticed the morning it was missing, so it happened as I slept. Yes, I considered other things before accusations made “out in the air”. Perhaps it was the wind, for example – but the socks still limply dangling over the clothes airer frame were evidence to the contrary. Wind sufficient to uproot our doormat would not have left those unpegged socks, so casually strewn, untouched. So the conclusion remains, a thief is about, and a weird one.

My considerations in search of vindication:
  1. Baking cookies – to take to each of our neighbours on our street. Granted, it would have been nicer to have done this with good intentions earlier, but if done now, I could then ascertain which opportunist had sticky fingers (my first conclusion being that someone must have been drunk and passing by to be so stupid). I’m not sure how the conversation would go when I found the mat/s, perhaps something like: “Hey, wow, we had doormats like these, but someone stole them,” with direct and confident eye-contact. “Oh, that was your house? But you just baked me some cookies! Now I see the error of my ways, I will never lift peoples’ basic essentials every again. Woe is me.” Shoulders moving whilst sobbing would be a bonus.
  2. Searching Trademe – I figured this person must be in the business of on-selling stolen mats. Surely no human would think, “We’ve just moved in, I don’t like the doormats already here, let’s peruse the neighbours’ and get some new ones, by STEALING.” The only mats on sale there were much prettier and craftier than ours. Maybe it is not an individual (as the title of this post would imply), there could be a team of dim-wits.
  3. Thoroughly nailing down our new doormat – the idea of a thrice-a-criminal tugging helplessly on it entertained me to no end. But I could do better, I was sure of it…
  4. Attaching a fishing line to the mat’s corners, running it under our front door, and up to a bell attached to the wall inside the house. Also, supplying my husband with a bat and a brute costume. No actual violence would be necessary (mat thieves are prudes – what kind of hardened criminal wants to ensure they can wipe their feet in style? Hmmm, maybe the mafia, but I think they would steal a truck-load of mats, a double-hit on a cottage isn’t their kind of gig).
  5. Purchasing a commercial hall-runner mat – the ones that are about 12 metres long. I could then lay it along our hallway, and then out underneath the front door, like a giant house-tongue. The mat thief would then be pulling on the mat, shaking their head, “When does this thing end?” It would be like a magician’s “scarf from the sleeve” gone bad.
  6. The least entertaining, and most obvious, would be spray-painting or otherwise adorning our mat (on top of course) with our name and address…and perhaps some small print to the effect of, “Should this mat be found at any other address it was stolen by a person with a small mind”.
So what have I done? What tasty morsel of absolution have I taken from this absurd buffet?

Well, at this stage, I have thought about them, in great detail. I have not yet purchased a new mat. So really, I have conceded to having my carpet soiled to avoid a third occurrence of this irritating behaviour.

You see, we’re replacing our carpet this year…and building a deck. I figure when we do, I will build the doormat in (one of those lovely ones that is flush with the decking)…and maybe install a camera…or hire security. Oh, to catch the culprit mat-handed!
Related Posts with Thumbnails