Friday, June 6, 2008

Keep Me Simple Stupid

I never can get cocky about any degree of intelligence I may possess. No, no, because I am sure to do something that reminds me I am not all that smart. There are a number of things I can do which will guarantee I am reminded of this.

If I want to feel stupid, I will:

  • play chess (With anyone – even a 5-year-old, literally, I played with a 5-year-old and he beat me. I was trying.)
  • read Virginia Woolf, James Joyce, or Janet Frame (I just don’t get it.)
  • attempt to recall someone’s phone number without looking it up (This gaffe is almost immediately followed by, “Sorry, I have the wrong number.” Hmmm…I simply cannot, cannot retain numbers.)
  • play Boggle online (I thought I was good until a. I played Sherry, and b. I played online. Try it, see if you still feel smart.)
  • go somewhere new without a map (excellent map-reader; zero sense of direction);
  • attempt to solve a Rubik’s Cube (two twists and I’m sick of it I tell you).

I do have some redeeming skills which make me feel smart again (so as not to feel utterly useless and in the depths of despair).

These spy-like super-skills could help me save the world:

  • I find hidden bombs and quickly diffuse the situation (I am an undisputed champion at two-player minesweeper)
  • I decode secret messages (my close analyses of films includes using words like “diegesis”)
  • I intercept foreign transmissions, identify fraud, and negotiate conflicts (Teacher, Mrs Teacher, shaken not stirred)
  • I can protect the identity of my target and fabricate necessary explanations for the enemy to ensure the mission is completed (I’ve won Balderdash, at least three times)
  • I can execute commands and actions without sight, and at great speed (touch-typing at 103wpm always wows 12-year-olds)
  • I prioritise actions to prevent injury and fatalities (I make lists. They save the world. No further explanation required.)
  • I avert disaster on a daily basis (I check the stove after Haki has finished cooking something…and proceed to turn off all of the elements) and finally (whispering now, because spies are good at keeping things secret),
  • I see dead people (Regularly, on scanned-in census records when I enter their names to index them online.)

P.S. Mariah, I know you’re awesome with a Rubik’s Cube, you do not have to add a comment to rub it in.

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