Friday, September 19, 2008

A Crafty Kim

Remember my post from a couple of weeks ago? The one about how awesome Lone Star has been at sending me free stuff?

Well, the story isn't over.

Episode 4
  • It is 9 days since Cam said he was sending me wonderful free things. I write: "I hate to say this, but every day I check the mail eagerly, and report there is 'nothing to report' at school. I just hope that it's not because someone else saw the parcel and made off with it. Tell me that isn't so! - A"
  • Cam replies: "Hi Angela, I sent that the day i emailed you!!!! i will try and chase up with the couriers once the receptionist gets into work today! Cheers Cam."
  • I attempt to defend my honour and street cred: "I'm glad I asked! I didn't want to...because how lame is it to ask for something you're already lucky to be getting!? But then it occurred to me that you're too prompt a sender for this to be right. Nothing's shown. :("
  • Cam follows up: "Hi Angela. I have tracked the parcel and it was signed for by a lady named Kim! so not to sure where this has ended up! I will get another one out in the mail for you today! With an added bonus this time of a cranium caddoo board game for your students. Can you just confirm the address below: 127 Suchandsuch St, Dunedin.* I have just realised you and you husband are our die hard fans from earlier this year! if my memory serves me right? which could be doubtful Cheers Cam."

This email left me overflowing with questions...many of which, when answered, led to more questions;
  • Is Cam human? I mean, is he real?
  • Did Cam write my name more clearly this time? I hope he also wrote, "NOT FOR YOU KIM - YOU THIEF".
  • Who the heck is Kim? Dirty Kim.
  • What kind of human reads someone else's name and address, knows it is not her own name and address, and not only (dishonestly) signs for it, but does not sign a name to match that of the sender's?
  • Which courier service was this?
  • What does Veronica Mars charge?
  • Could I be Veronica Mars?
  • Are there two Suchandsuch Streets in Dunedin?
  • Is there another street called Such'n'such it may have been confused with?
  • Were my goods delivered to my neighbours'? Did my neighbours see the courier from the street (perhaps standing by a car) and see an opportunity? Did they call out, "Hi there! We are home! We'll sign for that!" (snicker snicker) ? Which neighbours have ill-labelled letter-boxes? Which could look like a "127"?
  • Has the local mat-peddling business not panned out and so the mat-handed misfits have turned to fraud?
  • Was the mat thief caught at my stoop, checking in to see if I'd replaced my mats, when the courier arrived, and one thing led to another?
  • Will Cam send a red alert out to Lone Stars everywhere that the uniquely-numbered voucher he initially sent is invalid? Will Dirty Kim stand opposite the restaurant cash register while the waiter/waitress examines the fraudulent voucher in one hand, and presses a concealed panic button with the other? Will they put Kim in restraints? Will the restaurant go silent while Kim is asked to pay for her meal because her stolen voucher "is no good here"? Will they film it? And send it to me?
I have already walked the street.

I have knocked on the only suspect neighbours' door (all else are too clearly numbered).
No one is home.

I have searched all misspellings of Suchandsuch in Dunedin.

And I have too long toyed with the idea of calling each courier company in turn, identifying myself as "Camila, from Lone Star", to inquire more directly where exactly the goods ended up.

I hope it is my neighbours. That would make saying all of this more accessible and convenient:

Knock knock
"Hi! Is Kim home?"

"Kim! You must be holding a parcel for me? Oh, I can wait while you get it.

"Your dog ripped into it? And ate the dinner vouchers? That's understandable. Well, I'm happy to forget this whole matter, just one last thing...

"Meet my friends.

Signal to Haki (in nearby bushes), to cue ominous music from a tape deck.
Step aside to reveal two men, large in stature, behind me.

"I know! It's funny that they both have the first name 'Elder', right? We don't mind voucher-eating dogs one bit. Could we come in and share a short message with you?"

Crafty Kim...I know you are out there, and I will find you.

*This is clearly not my address. C'mon.
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