Friday, April 24, 2009

We Don't Need No Education

Haki and I currently attend weekly antenatal classes. Well...most of them. Haki conveniently engineered one such evening so that we didn't quite make it there. This unfortunate event happened to coincide with the birth video screening.

Despite his lack of enthusiasm for other women in all their birthing glory, Haki has proven himself quite the stand-out "birthing partner" on other fronts. In fact, if antenatal classes had an honour roll, Haki would be on it. No, he would be class president.

I felt Haki's excellence was first proven the night we had a guest physiotherapist attend. The class' agenda included stretches to prevent cramps, posture to prevent backache, positions to promote good baby positions...and the infamous...beloved...pelvic floor exercices.

/Flashback

Physio: "Alright. Now we're going to do some pelvic floor exercises. And you, support people, can do this too - you have pelvic floor muscles as well! Right, now I want you to imagine that your pelvic floor is like a lift in an elevator shaft. For now, we're going to go to the first floor...and hold...okay, try that with me now." (Room of silence, darting eyes and people sitting upright..."occupied", yet looking as though they are doing nothing at all.) "Okay, up to the first floor, and hoooooooold...okay, and back down. Now we're going to try for the second floor..." (and so this continued to the "third floor").

After class, once inside the car, pulling out from our park, I turned to Haki, and stifling giggles I checked in, "So, how did you go with those pelvic floor excercises?" I was certain he had just been sitting there, silently protesting male participation in such folly.

Haki responded with a mock frown and black woman head snap, blurting out, "I was going to the fifth floor, baby!"

My honey - full of suprises.

Haki further secured his in-class status last night, when class members were invited to fill in slices of pie on the whiteboard to indicate what their ideas of 12 hours as a parent might look like. Parents-to-be took turns filling in, "Feed", "Change", "Bath", "Sleep" and so on. Haki swaggered up for a second contribution...and dryly drew a generous 2-hour sized slice which he then labelled "Golf". Would you believe it, the class was eating out of his hand?

I scanned the room and wondered if this latest display would incite rumours about us as a couple. Perhaps we're only pretending to be first-time parents. We're old hands, after all! Look at us! Carefree, joking, and wise. I could only barely begin to imagine what they'd say about us if they found out about Haki's fifth floor visits.

Haki even had me convinced. I looked to my husband, sitting in his class-clown afterglow, and smiled as I thought to myself, "You are clever. What, with all that smoke and all those mirrors, no one noticed the way you gagged at the sight of the stuffed toy placenta."
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