Thursday, December 17, 2009

CNP in my Sleep


With the move impending, I am packing. By "packing", I mean that I brought home a motherload of those boxes, and I am thinking a lot about filling them.

The reason I haven't started, interestingly, has little to do with procrastination...rather, it is that I am deliberately and judiciously stalling becoming "packing me". "Packing me" is a different woman. She doesn't eat, drink, or sleep. She packs. She is methodical, driven, and very, very particular.

I don't like her much.

Moving house is one of the occasions where I can be certain my Compartmentalised Neurotic Perfectionism (CNP) will flare up. In some cases, it is very helpful. I mean, I make an art of packing...at the beginning. But "packing me" eventually succumbs to the food and sleep deprivation...and the anxiety of "not being done already"! The left-over box towers and scattered, remaining paraphernalia seem to close in on me, and inner voices scream, "MUST. FILL. BOXES."

What is more disturbing, is that this year, my compulsive planning was not confined to waking hours. No...my need for organisation and systems manifest itself in my dreams. My dreams, people. In my sleep, I was problem-solving. The (sleeping) thought process:
  • We are flying out of town very soon.
  • That'll be fun.
  • But we're moving the day after we get back.
  • And I haven't packed the house up yet.
  • It really needs packed now, so we can come back and just move it.
  • I really don't want to be thinking about what needs done while I'm celebrating Christmas.
  • I won't. Because it will all be done.
  • Hmmm. That will require starting, and unleashing her.
  • I can do it. Well, she can do it. Everything will be packed before we fly out to celebrate Christmas.
  • But The Scotty will still be here while we're going. So if I pack everything, he'll have trouble living here.
  • I can still pack most things.
  • But what about the cereal? The cereals are all lined up in pretty containers. What will I put the cereal in?
  • I want to pack it.
  • The Scotty will need it.
  • I want to pack it.
  • The Scotty will need it.
  • Good thing I bought that old, yucky Tupperware cereal container at the op shop. I can pour his favourite cereal into that one, and then I can pack my pretty cereal containers - everyone wins!
  • What yucky Tupperware cereal container? I didn't buy anything yucky.
  • Stupid dream - introducing elements that don't exist to solve the dream problems.
  • Dreams always do that.
  • Maybe I should buy a yucky Tupperware cereal container.
  • Maybe this isn't a dream, it's a vision.
Then when I woke up, the process continued;
  • I could just use an icecream container. What's all this talk of buying yucky things?
  • An icecream container is free, and I have one already.
  • That's one less thing to do, AND money saved.
  • I will pour The Scotty's cereal into an icecream container.
  • I am efficient.
  • Albeit over-thinking things that are insignificant.
  • It's beginning.
  • She's here.
  • The one we don't speak of.
  • Aaaaaaah!
I have somehow managed to keep her at bay for breakfast, as Esky and I have been playing peek-a-boo in the box forest. Now she is playing with tape attached to one of the boxes, and I figure it is a sign my lightning fingers should go to work. But soon, soon, it will begin.

And so, you see...every moment I delay becoming altogether consumed by the shift, really is an extension of mercy to my husband. Also, it is a calculated and reasoned choice to relish the white lights and Christmas lights a little longer...to enjoy the merriment a while before my life is in boxes and the walls are stripped of our personalities.

So that's my angle. I'm going to stress for a shorter period of time...or maybe not at all (HA!), because it's Christmas.

Sadly, "sleeping me" missed the memo.
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