Friday, May 27, 2011

Night and Day

I’m marvelling at the contrast between yesterday and today.

Yesterday:
  • I begged Esky for 5 more minutes sleep…at least 5 times. She played like an angel while I snoozed in and out.
  • Esky was in her pyjamas so late in the day that it started approaching the time I’d put her into pyjamas again. So she stayed in them all day. I’m sorry, my girl, but you didn’t seem to mind.
  • I changed my pyjama pants out for trackies, first thing. Does that count as getting dressed?
  • I found the thought of Haki’s ongoing travel for work unbearable.
  • I ate, obviously…because I didn’t pass out…but I can’t remember what.
  • At Esky’s nap-time, she was taking a little longer than usual to settle …and I felt like the world was going to end if she didn’t fall asleep. What’s with that?
  • As soon as she did fall asleep, I felt confused as to where that notion had come from – so what? She fell asleep later. So what if she hadn’t fallen asleep? Why would all implode?
  • 30 minutes later I missed her.
  • I was cold. It was cold. There wasn’t wood inside. I felt like there were no opportunities to put Ivy down and haul wood in. I also didn’t really want to; I felt exhausted.
  • I said “yes” most of the day, but I felt like inside, each of Esky’s requests was wearing me out.
  • I spoke with Haki. Well, if you can call what I did “speaking.” He was a rock.
  • I spoke with my sister. She shared something with me that totally changed my mood.*
Today:
  • I got up before Esky.
  • Esky is dressed.
  • We’re all dressed. I’m even wearing a skirt.
  • I feel invincible.
  • I’ve eaten well. (Thanks, Dad!)
  • Esky and Ivy are both asleep, and I feel like we’ve played our hearts out, as well as already having done washing, vacuuming, bed-making and dishes, by midday.
  • I thought I’d want to nap – with both girls out for the count - but I don’t feel wiped, I feel good, because the morning has been good, and I knew the quiet was coming and I would get to regenerate.
  • I still miss them both.
  • Sunlight is streaming in on us. Sadly, I think I let the weather play a part in setting my mood both days. I don’t usually do that. Exhausted-me does do that, apparently.
  • I mean “yes,” wholeheartedly, each time I say it today.
  • I spoke with Haki, and actually asked how he was doing. Poor fella, yesterday - jeepers. Today he emailed me and said, “Well, today is more like you and yesterday is more like not-you.” Bless him.
  • I've remembered what my sister said last night, all day, *“be intentional in what you do,” and “act rather than be acted upon.
I needed that reminder.

Yesterday, the day happened to me. Off the bat, I was feeling behind and pooped – I was getting up when Esky couldn’t wait any longer; and reacting to needs rather than anticipating them.

Today, I am ahead of the game – even if only by a few minutes. I am choosing what happens next, and even if today’s agenda turned out to be identical to yesterday’s, I’m certain it would feel different because I chose it. I can still allow Esky to feel like she is making choices too, and allow her to lead much of her play, but today those moments are a break in my involvement rather than the thing I’m hoping won’t end so I have to get back in the game – how different is that?

In summary...

Things that didn't change:
  • The number of children I have.
  • The number of poopy nappies I change.
  • The chores I need to do.
  • The number on my clothing tag.
  • The number of "me" things I routinely put on hold.
  • The number of absent husbands I have.
  • The amount of money in my bank account.
Things that did:
  • Me.
  • The weather.
Even on the bad days, I’m glad I’m doing what I’m doing…but on the good days I hum all day while doing it.
Well, they're mostly dressed, right? Ivy's sock crawling off of its own free will is hardly my fault. Also, "dressing" Esky in long johns was intentional.
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