Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Pride: I Has It

Sometimes I leave Esky at home with Haki and run errands with just Ivy; I like to keep my nursing babes close. I also like to have Esky close pretty much all of the time, but can't deny that things are often faster with a single sleeping infant in a capsule instead of two little ones to get in and out of the car at every stop.

On such occasions (when it's only me and Ivy), I find myself wishing I could pin on a badge that said something like this:

I've tried to find a fair and reasonable explanation for this, but really, there isn't one - I'm vain / proud and/or too concerned with what others think.

I wonder how mothers of four or more feel! (I deliberately worded the badge so that it would still apply to me in future years or to other mothers).

When my baby is crying through aisles 5-10, I want the pity-glances (and occasional looks of disapproval) to be greeted with the badge - drawing their attention to the fact that this isn't my first time, I do know (a little about) what I'm doing, and so if there was a quick fix to get her to stop crying right then, and my groceries weren't important, I'd make that happen.

Or when I'm doing my best to suck in my paunch, wipe off some non-descript stain I've suddenly seen under the flourescents, and look wide-eyed and full of energy, I want the general public to know that I don't see to the 24-7-needs of but the one child, but rather two - this is me with two babies. And this is me after two pregnancies.

And when peop's are looking at me and painting a picture of what my life has been like, and when I chose to start a family, I want them to know this is my second installment. How much more will I want you to know when it's my third or fourth?! Lots more, that's how much.

Last of all, (and most of all), I miss my other heart-part, not to mention stunning accessory. Esky and and Ivy feel like a tangible part of me, and when one isn't there, (most often Esky, at present), it feels like she's missing, and that I'm missing a part of me. When I have both girls with me, I feel like a whole person, and a more complete explanation of my identity; this is "me" - all three of me - and aren't they beautiful creations?! This has led me to consider why I don't wish Haki were glued to my hip for the same reasons. I sort of do (and early on, I very much wanted to have my other half with me, visibly, more often - it felt good to have him hold my hand and be there). But I do wear a badge to indicate his absence; my wedding ring.

So I guess what I'm saying is: these little humans are just as much a part of me, who I am, and the persona I'd like to paint, as my husband is...and I wish we slid on a ring each time we added another to our brood to signal such. Because...well, like I said, I'm a little vain, proud, and too concerned with what others think; I'm a mother of two now, and when I've only got one human badge with me, I wish I could wear at least a dinky plastic one to mark the other's absence. Something to spin around and feel comforted by - "I've got my little Esky at home.../sigh."

Yup, I know. When some chickadee behind the counter swipes my groceries, all she's probably thinking is, "Nice earrings," or "What's that in her teeth?" or "Who really needs that much sweetened condensed milk?" Hardly anyone reads much more into their idea of another human, right? Well, maybe not...but I still want my badge. I know when I see a mamma pushing a newborn I think, "Wow - she looks fantastic after, what...[insert baby's age] weeks!" But for all I know, she could be the cherub's auntie, or have adopted the child, or have six children at home - what do I know? There are a lot of variables...I'm just assuming and guessing the story.

The real moral here: I will be looking at people differently. I wish I could say that I won't be looking at all...but I probably will. I assure you that what I see is almost always good - I'm always impressed; I mean, they're out, right? And dressed. Props. (Unless someone's smoking, swearing, and handing a suckling child an energy drink...I'm pretty much always impressed.)

IF you were as weak and small-minded as me, what badges would you wish you could wear?
  • So I don't have kids yet, I still know stuff.
  • I may only have one, but one's plenty.
  • I work nights, okay?
  • I used to be size [x].

P.S. I know my title is grammatically incorrect. Thanks though.
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