Friday, August 11, 2017

Another Un-anniversary

Before the ball: All dressed up to head to a Victorian ball at a mock-castle last month.
Today is a(nother) day each year I like to give pause to appreciate Haki.  He is loyal, generous, playful and smart.  We have been married 14.5 years now, and I have to say: we still haven't got it all figured out.  But: I do feel like in the past month I've learned more about what I believe makes for our marriage being happy.  And that was the key of the lesson; the best way for me to strengthen and honour our marriage is to strive to know us and our needs better.  Although we're told often not to compare ourselves to others, I think when we pick up a book or scroll through an essay on marriage or relationships we forget that those are filled with comparisons and frameworks that are for "people," who are not necessarily us.  Even my mind has a hypothetical rendering of what a marriage "should be" that I overlay against our actual relationship.  These types of comparisons (not just to other relationships) sure can be the thief of true happiness.  I'm learning also that deciding what compromises are reasonable or unreasonable isn't so relevant (because in our marriage, we continue to disagree on many things and need to compromise out of those impasses) as it is reminding ourselves we've chosen the person we want to compromise for.  We've chosen someone we should love more than anyone, which to me, is beginning to mean giving them a couple unreasonable compromises.  I don't mean submitting to abuse or dominion, I mean not asking "is this fair?" constantly and instead repeating inwardly, "I'll give him that."   Acquaintances and colleagues -- we should keep how much we sacrifice our own will for reasonable, else we'll burn out.  But in a marriage, I think having a handful of things that you give even though you could reasonably not -- that's the stuff that matters.  Every person out there has things about them that they need more than someone else might -- things borne of their upbringing, insecurities or unique personality.  Those can't be mapped out or prepared for, they can only be learned and either granted or ignored once known.  I think once we know those peculiarities unique to the person we love, we should grant more.  And provided you've chosen well, it'll breed more of that same spirit of giving -- of giving each other things we don't have to -- rather than claiming ground.  Of course I'm sure I'll learn many more lessons between this and each anniversary and un-anniversary to come, but this is the one for now.  And thank you Haki, for not caring how much I spend in op shops, for finding me beautiful even when I do not, and for taking time to explain things to our girls.  Thank you also for being willing to take me to a ball where everyone is dressed up and we dance to called dances.  Happy un-anniversary!
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